Alright everyone, time to strap into your nanosuits, lock and load your Gauss Rifles and set your suit to Maximum Bulge because it is time to review Crysis. As you may know Crysis is a FPS (First Person Shooter for all you n00bs) on the PC that takes place on a beautiful tropical island off the coast of North Korea. You play a Special Forces agent named Nomad who is air dropped in on the island along with your other Special Forces buddies so you can hand those evil North Koreans their asses……their evil, evil asses.
Now first thing you might notice is how amazing the graphics are. The water looks great, the trees look realistic, and there are even animals you can totally mess around with on the island. As far as atmosphere goes you will easily get lost in beautiful vistas and awe inspiring scenery. The only down side of all these beautiful visuals is that you need a pretty beefy PC to run this bad boy. The game has been out for a while now, so video cards and CPU’s have dropped in price, but even still it will cost you some money. That being said even on the best PC you will have noticed slowdowns and choppiness when the game is put on high detail. Do not worry though because even when putting the detail down a bit the game still looks good enough to sleep with….and trust me, Crysis will put out.
The environments in the game are fantastic. The island is pretty much a giant sandbox that you can play in all day and still not get bored. Trees break and shatter as massive gun fights break out between you and the enemy. Boulders and logs can be pushed on enemies. You can even pick up animals and throw them around to your hearts content. I even grabbed a tortoise that was innocently walking on the beach and carried him all around the island just for fun. Eventually I threw the tortoise at an evil North Korean soldier and he fell off of a cliff to his death. The tortoise died as well, but it was for American Freedom so his death was not in vain. Pretty much everything is destructible, even the shanty towns on the island. You can throw a grenade and watch with glee as sharp pieces of metal crash down upon your enemy like bugs…..…MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! Be warned though because the environment can be your enemy as well. I learned this the hard way when I got attack by a shark while swimming offshore. Nature – 1 Nomad -0
Although the island is a giant sandbox your objectives don’t vary much. You do the usual rescue hostages, hack into computers, and level towns with your missile launcher. The story is very linear but the game play is not. What pretty much makes the game different and unique is the nanosuit you are equipped with. You can change what your suit does for you depending on your game play. It Increases your strength, speed, armor, and even cloaks you. You can go about completing your objectives in any fashion. From run and gun, to stealth, to playing with tortoises the suit allows you to do it all. I will be honest there were times when killing people never seemed like so much fun. You really start to see what kind of style you like to kill people with. Me, I cloak, and then I shoot them in the back and then punch them in the crotch constantly while maximum strength is equipped.
The game veers in an odd direction at the end, both story wise as well as game play. The last 3 hours of the game become very linear and repetitive. It’s a shame that a game with an original idea fell into a very typical category of game play. Crysis is a good shooter, but it could have been so much more. All in all a well done game with a good attempt at originality but just falls short of something completely new. Crysis get 8.5 tightly packed nanosuit bulges out of 10.
Alright dudes time to strap on your warriors cloak, shine that massive battle axe because you trying to make up for something and start listening to the most over dramatic narrator in a fighting game. That’s right; it’s time for Soul Calibur IV!
As you may know Soul Calibur first burst onto the scene almost 10 years ago making it’s debut (that’s French by the way) on the Dreamcast. I know what your thinking………..”Dream what?”. The Dreamcast, that pretty good system that Sega made but nobody bought, Soul Calibur originally came out for that…… and you know what? It was *#^$ing AWESOME! The first Soul Calibur really took fighting games to the next level. They had awesome characters, beautiful graphics, smooth controls and great fighting mechanics with weapons. Soul Calibur IV keeps up all those things, but with a few short comings.
So let’s get the good out of the way. By no means is this game bad. It looks great, the graphics are super smooth and detailed. The controls are super smooth even if you are not really into fighting games; you can just pick up and play. The characters have really cool designs and you will quickly have a favorite. This is also the first Soul Calibur with Star Wars characters……..Yeah I know random, but whatever. Darth Vader on the PS3 version and Yoda on the Xbox360, there is also the Apprentice from the Force Unleashed game coming out in September, he is on both versions. Now these Star Wars characters are pretty much the biggest news in this game. Darth Vader isn’t crazy strong so it keeps the fighting balance there. Yoda is a little fucking green turd that you can never grab because he is too short, but his attacks aren’t the strongest, so it’s not that bad. The Apprentice will hand you your ass though. Hands down the strongest character in the game, he will make you his bitch in no time. That motherfucker uses the force so much that you wonder how come nobody else in Star Wars thought of this first. All your other favorite characters are there as well such as Kilik, Maxi (Pad), Cervantes, and that pervert dude (Voldo). The women have had some significant changes to their design, specifically the breasts. The boobs are huge and they bounce a lot more. I know this may sound gay, but I really didn’t like it, they just ruined their designs by adding bigger boobs, but I liked looking at them.
Soul Calibur added a new feature called the Soul Gage, pretty much if you block too much you get pieces of your armor or clothing (pants) blown off of you. It’s a nice add, because all those turds that block too much can’t do that anymore. There is also a finishing move for all the characters, but it’s pretty much useless. It’s kind of hard to pull it off and there is this cinematic that goes along with it that just takes too long and you don’t care. Customization is still present and it’s awesome, you are pretty much just limited by your imagination. There are so many hats, swords, cloaks and armor to choose from that it’s almost too much. You can’t customize the Star Wars characters though. It’s a shame because I wanted Yoda to wear a Top Hat and Monocle, but I guess my dreams will have to wait one more day.
Soul Calibur has an arcade mode, and story mode, and Tower of Souls mode. Arcade mode is pretty standard run of the mill stuff, but still fun. Story Mode makes no sense at all. The intro for every character is text, like come on. I don’t want to read, I want to be read to. The best part about the story mode is the Narrator. He says shit like, “As he climbs towards destiny, he must battle the shadows of History”…..uh wtf does that mean? Who CARES! LETS FIGHT! Tower of souls mode pretty much replaced the Quest mode in the older games. You have to fight battles after battle as you make your way up this Tower and….blah blah blah who gives a shit.
The makers of Soul Calibur totally ripped out the most fun part of the game. Quest mode would make single player interesting. They would have stuff like “the ring is poisoned beat your opponent in 10 seconds” or “Keep your foe up in the air for 20 seconds”. I even remember where you had to fight on a beam and you had to knock people off to get to the end. It was fun, different, interesting and now it’s gone. Oh well, at least there are big tits in the game now.
All in all it’s a good game, not great. If you are a Soul Calibur fan or if you play a lot of games with your friends you should pick it up. A little disappointing but still a solid game. I give Soul Calibur IV…….(drum roll) 7.5 destiny fulfilling bugles out of 10.
Alright everyone time to strap into your Bat suit, jump in your Bat mobile and pick up some Bat bitches because it’s time to review The Dark Knight. First off I want to start off with the fact that there are SPOILERS in this review, and if you read this before watching the movie you will be SPOILED, so do yourself a favor and don’t SPOIL it. If I didn’t talk about the movie plot and the events that happened in it, this review would be nothing but “It’s awesome! Go see it!”. So now that the warning is out of the way let’s gets started.
Recently I read that Adam West, TV’s first Batman saw The Dark Knight and didn’t like. He said the movie was not light hearted enough and that the movie was to dark and brooding. Well Mr. West first off let me start of by saying that you are fucking BAT SHIT CRAZY (god I am so clever). Mr. West seems to forget that Batman is The DARK Knight in GOTHAM City, and his parents were fucking MURDERED, and that is what drives Batman’s ANGER and FEAR to rid scum from city streets. Let us also not forget that Adam West has made his career of off people laughing at him ie) Family Guy and The Simpsons. Finally Batman played by Christian Bale actually looks like Batman!
Example of this: Left- Christian Bale Batman, Right -Adam West Batman
I know that seems like a tangent, and it kind of was but it really hammers down the point of the atmosphere established in this movie. As you may know Christopher Nolan wrote and directed The Dark Knight as well as Batman Begins. Thank god for that, because after the Batman movie with George Clooney I was ready to give up on my childhood comic book hero. Mr. Nolan takes such a serious, realistic and dark approach to the movies and it makes the movies work. Even in comics Batman used to be really gay, and then a man named Frank Miller, who also wrote the SinCity graphic novels, came and really made Batman what he is today, a smart, driven, mean ass motherfucker that would do anything to stop crime, with the exception of killing people. Christian Bale does a fantastic performance as Bruce Wayne. You really feel like he is a rich douche bag that just bangs high society poon all night. Bale also nails the character of Batman as a calculating, cold logic detective with all the tools necessary to perform his duty. The only qualm I had with Batman was that Bale used too much of his stupid Batman voice in regular conversation. It’s awesome when Batman is super pissed and he yells” WHERE IS HE?”, that totally works. But when he is just talking to Commissioner Gordon it seems a bit much at times. I say this only because it sounds like Bale is changing his voice to seem rough, but then again Bale is Batman and I am a nerdy douche bag writing a review in my underwear, so keep up the good work Bale. The great thing is how you can see Batman’s motives bleeding through Bruce Wayne’s actions. A good example of this is when Bruce is having dinner with Harvey Dent and is pretty much testing him on his beliefs and motives. It’s a fantastic scene that will send chills down your Bat cock.
Another character throughout this film is Rachel Dawes played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Rachel is Bruce Wayne’s childhood love interest who is banging Harvey Dent during this film. Maggie replaced Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes, and to be perfectly honest I didn’t even notice until someone told me. So good riddance Mrs. Holmes…oh and by the way, Scientology sucks! Now Maggie does a good job at playing a hard nosed prosecutor, she’s good looking enough to believe that she can mingle with high society but not so good looking where you question her being a lawyer. In any case the bitch dies. She gets blown into a billion pieces by the Joker (Heath Ledger) and Harvey Dent hears this and ultimately goes crazy thus becoming Two Face. Rachel played her part and it worked, I was shocked to see her die, but also kind of happy, it added a very realistic tone to the film. You see how Batman truly can’t save everybody.
Now on to Harvey Dent/Two Face played by Aaron Eckhart. I have always thought that Harvey Dent as a character was more interesting than Two Face. This movie really evens that out, you really feel for Dent as you see his life crumble before his eyes. Finally a movie that explains why there is two sides to his personality. Dent is the perfect example of the struggle that good and evil has in everyone. He is not some pointless douche that is obsessed with the number two for no reason. I don’t know why it took so long for the movie industry to figure this out, but better late then never I guess. Now it in the movie half of Dent’s face gets burned off. In the comic however his face is burned by acid while questioning a witness during a trial. Different I know, BUT, there is a wonderful acknowledgement of his origins in the movie when during a trial, the mobster he is questioning pulls a gun on him. This is a wonderful consistency that Christopher Nolan has kept throughout the film; he keeps the Batman universe true while still putting his own twist on it.
On to Commissioner Gordon played by Gary Oldman, all I have to say is that finally, FINALLY someone portrayed Gordon as a no nonsense Cop that is balls deep in the underbelly of GothamCity. How come in every other movie, he is some bumbling moron with two left feet that just calls Batman every time there is trouble? Like why did we hire you Gordon? You have a gun and a police force. Go catch some criminals. I remember thinking “Wow, Gotham would be pretty fucked if Batman wasn’t around.”. I don’t think that way anymore. Gordon takes a bullet in the back only to come back and save Batman. Bad ass? I think so.
Finally the person that makes this movie what it is. The Joker played by Heath Ledger. Um…HOLY FUCK HE IS AWESOME. Heath does a perfect job of playing to my mind the best villain in comics. He is a sadistic fuck that you know nothing of, and yet he still makes you laugh. You actually want to see more of The Joker throughout the film. From the moment that he performs his “magic” trick to the moment where he is dressed up as a freaky ass nurse and blows up a hospital. From the moment Joker arrives in Gotham you can really tell that no one gets any sleep until he is caught. I mean they make blowing up a hospital a joke in the movie! My favorite part of the film is when The Joker is standing in front of all of the mobsters in Gotham after stealing all their money and one of the mobsters yells “ You think you can steal our money and get away with it?” which Joker replies “ …Yes”. I can’t even being to describe how perfect he was in this film. Another fantastic touch is how the Joker tells of his origins. At first I didn’t like that they told his origins because you don’t want to know his origins. Then, Joker tells his story again only to change it over and over. I was so happy they did that. You got me Joker, oh man you are a sick fuck……I love you. The one down point is that we will never see him again. Heath Ledger had to go and kill himself that asshole. Nobody can ever play the Joker again! Heath took the best villain, fucking nailed it, then goes and dies, thereby making anyone else who wants to play The Joker look like an idiot. It is a bittersweet moment seeing The Joker for the first and last time. RIP Heath, you are fucking awesome
Some honorable mentions are Batman arsenal. Batman’s Batmobile is back briefly, only to eject his fucking awesome Batbike when his Batmobile is damaged, I lost it in the theatre when I saw that. Later though I felt like a fucking idiot not figuring it out that the Batbike came from the Batmobile. I even had a conversation with a friend about that with my friend. “Hey dude, isn’t it weird how the Batman sits the SAME EXACT way in both the Bike and his tank of a car?....OH well must be nothing.”
All in all if you are a Batman fan. This is the perfect movie for you. It is what Batman fans have been waiting for their entire lives. Finally I give The Dark Knight 10 Bat Bulges out of 10! Join me next time for more reviews! Same Bat time, same Bat…..uh...URL? I hate you Adam West
Alright dudes time to rip of your shirts, bust out of your shoes and show off that incredibly average green bulge; it’s time for The Incredible Hulk. OK. First thing is first. One must realize that The Incredible Hulk movie has nothing to do with the horrendously atrocious HULK movie directed by Ang Lee. So please do not associate the two films. Ang Lee is best suited for gay cowboy movies like BrokebackMountain, not big green dudes with sexy arms, a great chest and abs you can grate cheese on…. Anyway back to the Hulk.
This film starring Edward Norton as Bruce Banner/Hulk takes a bit of a different approach to the Hulk mythos. Bruce Banner is a fugitive of sorts, running away from the government because Bruce’s blood contains gamma radiation from some experiment that some dude with a mustache in a general’s outfit was in charge of and when angry, Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk and starts kicking ass and taking names. The storyline is pretty basic and nothing too deep. All you pretty much need to know is that when Bruce turns green, asses are going to be whooped.
Edward Norton plays a great Bruce Banner and represents the character very well. Now I will admit that my Hulk knowledge is not at its most proficient, BUT Norton is perfect to play a smart, clever yet not entirely nerdy scientist. Liv Tyler plays Dr.Betty Ross, Bruce’s somewhat hot scientist love interest. Now I am going on a tangent here but she looked kind of weird in this movie. I heard she just had a kid so maybe the kid took all her good looking genes and left the Steven Tyler in her, in any case she was still pretty good in the movie. William Hurt plays General Ross, resident father of Betty Ross and bonefied badass. Ok the latter part of that statement was misleading, his mustache had more personality than him in the film, but at least it was an awesome stache. Finally there was Tim Roth playing Major Emil Blonsky, some dude hired by the military with a severe case of little man syndrome that really loves fighting. Oh yeah he is also Abomination, a dude that is actually uglier than the Hulk but just as strong. They also laid the seed for The Leader, a super genius scientist but he is a douchebag so let’s forget about him.
Now it was a good thing Tim Roth played Abomination because he was the exactly that. I don’t know who did the casting for this movie but man they couldn’t pick a more weasel like douchebag to play what is supposed to be a ruthless army specialist with a big dick….er, I mean ego. He was the crappiest part of what I thought to be a pretty damn fine movie.
Every time Bruce would get cornered by the military my heart would start to race as I knew Bruce is going to bring the hurt on. To my dismay the partially retarded chimp that is Tim Roth would barge in with his Down syndrome swagger and ruin it all.
Now the most important part, the fighting. Hulk looked awesome, Abomination looked awesome, the fight scenes looked awesome AND the Hulk did his famous his famous Hulk Smash and Clap. Only the Hulk can make a Clap manly, when you leave you are going to have Hulk Clap…..it burns man, trust me, I know. My favorite thing was that the gayest thing about the Hulk, his purple pants, had been replaced with manly denim. God…denim is so manly.
All in all a very solid movie that redeemed the cluster fuck that was the first Hulk movie. The Incredible Hulk gets 8 throbbing radioactive bulges out of 10.
I leave you with Fido Hulk, Hulk’s beloved dog….that eats babies
Welcome to KICK ASS REVIEWS! This will be a site completely devoted to the review of video games, movies, books, comics, graphic novels, pretty much anything that I find awesome. I tried to think of a clever name for this site that would give the acronym of S.H.I.T. You know like S.H.I.T reviews.....but I am not original or creative...so shut up. Now I am not a "professional" at this, and I will most likely use "swear" words in my reviews. One thing you can count on is the fact that I will be 100 percent completely honest about my reviews.
Now first thing is first, since I am an independent I will only review game, movies, graphic novels etc that I can get my hands on. I will do as many as possible, but entertainment products are expensive and I am a poor student. So unless you wanna give me stuff for free, you can shut up. I also have some biases you should all know about. I dig FPS's but nowadays it's getting a little over saturated. I really find RPG's boring....I don't know why either. I love point and click adventure games like LOVE (yes I know gay) and I dig turn based strategy games like Civilization. So you would think I would love RPG's like Final Fantasy. Well you are wrong..... and stupid. I love Batman, but the Frank Miller version none of that lame Adam West stuff, although it does provide some fantastic entertainment. But I PROMISE I will be more open minded and try new things, after all I wanna become a better person....can you feel us bonding? I can.
Anyways, the first review will probably be up within the next couple of days so I hope you all enjoy the site. On a final note I thought that this site needed something of an amazing figure to introduce the site. Soooooo..... you will all recognize him as the most famous and well recognized video game character of all time.... that's right! I introduce to you...
